Limit

Don't pretend that the negative side of ourselves not exist, in fact it is. Why not accept it? Why not letting people know? Everyone has their limits; but one can choose to live within it or to not live within it. Simply as that.

I am currently working on a literary research to Virginia Woolf's thought about life and death and how she got influenced by certain factors in building that concept of thought. There are a bunch to read but I haven't well managed time to do it so just put those aside and do other things. I also started tutoring ESL to a primary student. I have to take somebody's turn tutoring another kid this week since she has to return to where she belongs related to the general election. I also am forced to participate in a debate competition whereas I keep telling myself I am not a debator. I cannot speak that much. I don't get used to data and news which cause I have so little glossary to speak out. Lately I have been so stressed up with all things I am not comfortable with. I struggle even before I start walking on it. I abandoned my blog and journal, I lose so many followers because of such thing, I barely focus. I lose attention from my teenagers I should shepherd. None of them came to the last meeting. I wiped a lot because of that. Still getting in touch with them but cannot catch them up because they are nine and I am only one person. I tell myself if only I were given only one thing to focus on, I surely will succeed. But these are many and I cannot do multitasking, focusing on many subjects altogether, no. It's a big no for me. I pray to the Lord, what if I put aside all my desire to get perfect score to all things offered to me. What if my goal it just to check them away, to let each of that moment pass? I say to the Lord, I feel like I'm not ready to show up all my weaknesses. I feel like I'm not ready to let people know my limit. What should I do next if people won't accept the fact that I am only that much? What should I do if me myself won't accept the fact that I am only that much? No, I know my limit, and I accept it, that's why I'm afraid to lose. I am certain of being lose. I am just not ready mentally. On one side I can say it's a matter of my mental, which is not ready yet to be underestimated; but on the other side I have been putting myself to the lowest level of human being in a few last days. I have three days on weekend, which I can choose to be productive and creative or to merely waste the time away by sleeping; and in fact I picked the last choice. I slept all day. I don't want to press my brain so much with all the burdens and checklists. I sleep on it. The more I sleep, the more my thirst to sleep grows. I became like those who are paralyzed. Lying on bed all day long. What happened to me? At that point I realized something. I already pushed myself and my heart to go beyond the limit. I know my limit. I want the world to know that I can. I want to prove. I want to be accepted in the circles of those who 'succeeded'. I want people to accept me; the 'me' which I don't know yet, the uncertain 'me' in the future. I am definitely tired with all these lies, which make me blind to fail at defining what is actually my life for. Is life merely about going beyond the limit? Life is not merely about the so called going beyond the limit. Life is enjoying every moments with joy and grateful and full conscious to He who gives life. Life is not about what you cannot do beyond, but what you can do within the limit. Life is about how you accept yourself, no matter what you are. A sinner? Definitely. A foolish? Never been better. Don't pretend that the negative side of ourselves not exist, in fact it is. Why not accept it? Why not letting people know? Everyone has their limits; but one can choose to live within it or to not live within it. Simply as that. Who said this is not innovative? I let you know this; there's is still many things you can explore within the limit. What can you do? Monochromatic art? Focus on that. Why keep making the reason why you cannot paint? Do what makes you comfortable with it. Don't push yourself too hard just to let the world know you can go beyond where you are now. Why not be grateful that you're already on one peak despite of many peaks you ever desired to climb? I would choose optimum instead of maximum now. I make this decision inside my head; next time I wake up in the morning, I would tell myself, Be grateful for today, for yourself, for knowing your limit, and be faithful and joyful working within it.